Bad movies are bad for various reasons. Some are unintentionally funny, some that disappoint and some that simply make you want to pull your hair out. Krutika Mody has (unfortunately for her) seen them all this year. Here’s her top five in no particular order.
Most of y’all will not remember this and I too wish I could obliterate this movie from my memory. It deserves the distinction of being the only film to have ever made me want to leave the theatre 15 minutes into it. Raghuvir Yadav plays the Hindi-talking (and screaming) Hitler in the film. Surprised? Don’t be. Every character in the movie, be it French, Russian or German speaks Hindi because every actor is Indian.
The guy who plays Gandhiji has barely three scenes in the movie and looks too healthy to be portraying a man who fasted most of his life. Besides that, seeing Neha Dhupia’s expressions in the movie as Eva Brown – Hitler’s mistress – are scarring. So are her clothes.
Recall that popular joke that finds a mention in almost every comedy skit – showing a bad movie or playing a terrible song to torture someone so he’ll confess all? This movie can actually find a market for that.
Awful Quotient: Tear my hair out, slap the director/producer/actor/anyone directly involved in the making of this movie and run out of the theatre screaming.
Mimoh is a blessing to the Hindi-speaking world. After Himesh Reshammiya, we have another ‘actor’ whose movies will be watched only to make fun of him. Haunted 3D however has several funny factors besides Mimoh.
The story is hilarious. Mimoh’s house is haunted by a girl’s ghost who committed suicide after being raped by her dead piano teacher (yes, she was raped by a ghost) who she killed while he was attempting to rape her. So brilliant!
And guess how Mimoh knows all this? He reads the suicide letter addressed to her parents. So, while he reads the letter, he visualises the incident where she gets raped – doggie-style! Imagine how the letter would have read: ‘Dear mommy and daddy, I’m committing suicide because I get raped doggie-style by a ghost every night.’
Anyway, Mimoh, the knight in shining armour, decides to go back into the past and make sure the girl doesn’t kill the piano teacher so he doesn’t turn into a ghost to rape the girl. How does he go back into the past? By playing the piano and trying to ‘feel’ the girl’s pain. And voila! He’s transported to year 1936.
Thought that was ludicrous? There’s more. The evil ghost of the piano teacher kills Achinct Kaur’s character and takes over her body. He/she then tries to rape the girl. Also, 21st century equipment such as Mimoh’s cell phone works in 1936 where he plays songs and showcases his dancing ability.
Awful Quotient: It’s so ridiculously bad, it’s funny!
If you can spend so much time and energy (not to mention a whole LOT of money) on making sure everyone’s heard of the film, couldn’t you invest a little into the script? From the South Indian Shekhar getting a Christian funeral to the sheer stupidity of the game itself, there were too many loopholes to count. So much so, that every time you get irritated with one flawed scene, you’re distracted by another. And what a disappointing climax! There were way too many plot and much audience manipulation.
Awful Quotient: Thoroughly disappointing.
Salman Khan Movies
Everyone is cashing in on Salman Khan‘s image post the super success of the very entertaining Dabangg in 2010. Unlike Dabangg though the makers are not even attempting to make a good film. Here’s how I imagine the discussion goes while planning a Salman movie:
Director: We’ll take Sallu bhai in the film, have a couple of dhinchak songs, throw in some action and have a story around it.
Producer: Done. It’ll be superhit!
If Ready had a harebrained plot, Bodyguard was even more idiotic. The steps taken by Bollywood in the recent years to finally make good cinema was negated by these two regressive films that were based solely on star power. But in Sallu bhai’s own words, “I don’t do good films. I do hit films.”
Awful Quotient: Complete disbelief that anything this bad can actually earn money.
There are so many questions I want to ask God too. Why this movie? Why is mommy Hema directing? Why Esha Deol? Unfortunately, God works in mysterious ways, so I’ve come up with my own answers to these questions.
Why this movie? Because Esha Deol needed another relaunch. Why is mom directing her? Because Esha Deol needed another relaunch. Why Esha Deol? Because she needed another relaunch. Hopefully, it will be her last relaunch.
The basic premise of the movie is lifted straight from the 2008 Amanda Seyfried’s Mama Mia. Wish the makers had lifted some of the movie’s magic too.
Awful Quotient: Will make you question God, “why me?”
There are so many films that are worthy of this list:
Damadamn, for trying to convince viewers that Himesh Reshammiya can be desired by not one but two women
Thank You and Rascals, for trying to sell drivel
Always Kabhi Kabhi, for the wannabe young dialogues
Love Breakups Zindagi, for trying to re-ignite the careers of two never-beens (Zayed Khan, Diya Mirza)
Miley Naa Miley Hum and Aazaan, for the awful lead actors with powerful daddies
New Addition: Mausam. Mausam’s epic love story could have been fulfilled without all the unnecessary (and boring) drama if the lead characters played by Shahid and Sonam were smart enough to exchange contact information. But then the drama had to be there to drag the film for 3 hours. The climax scene where Shahid’s paralysed arm suddenly starts working for him to save the day was laughable!
There are way too many bad films that can be listed here. If you’d like to suggest some more titles or simply disagree with these choices, drop your comments below.
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